


Life from the Slashers I thru III

by Diana Williams (dkwilliams)



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 01:09:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11346852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dkwilliams/pseuds/Diana%20Williams
Summary: Humor, parody. See story parts.





	Life from the Slashers I thru III

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Life from the Slashers I by Diana Williams

Title: Life from the Slashers I  
Author: Diana Williams  
Email Address:   
Rating: R for language and discussion of M/M sex  
Category: Humor  
Keywords: Slash/Torture Parody  
Spoilers: Slight for Tungaska  
Archive: Yes, anywhere.  
Distribution: Fine, just keep my name attached.  
Feedback: Always welcome.  
Summary: Krycek convinces Mulder to run away with him, with disastrous results.  
Disclaimer: The X-Files and its characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions.

* * *

Life From the Slashers I

"Is it pleasure or pain  
Keeps me runnin', keeps me running to you?  
Pleasure or pain,  
I just can't decide.  
Are they one and the same?  
It's confusing me blind.  
Am I in love or insane?  
Am I in it for the pleasure or pain?"

Mulder returned from his morning jog and unlocked the door to the Crystal City apartment he shared with Skinner, noting that his lover had already left for an early morning meeting. Then a dark shape moved into the light - he reached for his gun and remembered that those two jump-ropers had tripped him and made him lose his weapon. Damn!

"Krycek! How did you get in here?"

Krycek held up the skeleton key that came with his Triple Agent Kit and grinned. "You don't look too happy to see me, Mulder. I've been here for almost a minute and you haven't hit me even once."

"How did you know where to find me?" He and Skinner had been very careful to hide their relationship out of fear of what would happen to their careers if anyone learned about them.

"Mulder, don't you watch TV? Didn't you see the Academy Awards last night? Kevin Kline outed you during his acceptance speech."

Mulder gasped. "What? Oh, my God! My career's over, and Walter's going to be devastated!"

Krycek shrugged. "Nah. Nobody paid much attention - all the winners last night were outing someone. Besides, everyone at the FBI already knew."

"WHAT!"

"Yeah. Well, all except Scully and Spender - oh, and that Colton character. But Skinner's been in such a good mood since he started nailing you that nobody cares. I hear the Admin staff is taking up a collection for a nice Christmas present for you, and the Director is recommending you for a commendation - above and beyond the call of duty."

"You don't work for the FBI anymore. How do you know all this?"

"Pendrell told me last night during pillow talk. He's got a great ass but he can't keep a secret."

"Pendrell! But he's dead!"

"Mulder, you're not the only one who can fake a suicide."

"But why?"

Krycek shrugged. "He was desperate. Scully was going to ask him for a date."

"Oh."

"He's working for the Consortium now, doing bio-tech. Look what he did for me." Krycek took off his jacket, proudly displaying his new arm. "Clever little monkey, isn't he?" Then he sighed and shook his head. "He's got a tough new assignment, though. Creating alien/human clone screenwriters."

"What's so tough about that?"

"They've got to be able to come up with understandable plot lines and remember crucial timeline information." Krycek gestured with his gun. "Okay, enough of the small talk. Get undressed."

"WHAT?!!"

"I'm going to handcuff you to the bed and have sex with you."

"Oh. Well in that case..."

Sometime later, Krychek kissed his lover and unlocked the handcuffs. "Come on, Mulder, we've got to get going."

"Going? I'm not going with you. I'm staying here. I love Walter. He makes me feel safe."

Krycek sighed. "Mulder, I hate to do this, but Skinner isn't what you think he is." He pulled a pack of photographs out of his pocket, in an envelope labeled "Consortium Photo Labs - when you care enough to frame the very best".

Mulder opened the package and stared, open-mouthed, at the pictures. There was one of Skinner sharing a cigarette with Cancerman, one in the Well Manicured Man's car and, most damning of all, standing in Bill Mulder's shower with a gun duct-taped to his hand. Was it possible that these were fakes? He studied the pictures closely, noting that Skinner was in the same pose and looked kinda flat, but no, that was Walter Skinner. He stared at Krycek, agony in his beautiful hazel eyes.

"That's not all." Krycek pulled out a videotape and handed it to Mulder. "This is a tape of me and Skinner having sex."

"But how - when?"

"Remember when you brought me over here and Skinner handcuffed me to the balcony? Well, after you left..."

Mulder's world was shattered. How could Walter betray him like that? Sure, Mulder had just had sex with Krycek, too, but Mulder was a slut and would have sex with just about anyone. He had always thought of Skinner as somehow better than that. He handed the videotape back to Krycek, too upset to even watch it, and Krycek breathed a sigh of relief. It was his favorite "Three Stooges" tape.

"All right, Alex," he said brokenly. "I'll go with you. Where are we going?" Not that it mattered much since his whole world was shattered, but he couldn't possibly go anywhere without good take-out and satellite hook-up to watch his beloved Knicks.

"I have a plane waiting to take us to a little hideaway in an obscure third world country where we can be safe from Cancerman and where Skinner will never find us."

Mulder nodded and started to follow him. "Wait! Is this going to lead to a convoluted plot in which I get kidnapped by a series of power-crazed monsters who want a piece of my ass?"

"Uh, probably."

"Then I'll need this." Mulder picked up an industrial size tube of KY and put it in his pocket.

Krycek drove to the private landing strip where a plane waited. When they got out of the car, a petite red-head jumped out of a parked car and aimed her weapon at Krycek.

"Freeze, Krycek! Mulder, run!"

"Scully, it's okay," Mulder said. "I'm going with Alex willingly."

"Mulder, how could you? He's a murderer! He killed your father and my sister!"

Mulder sighed and a tear ran down his cheek. "Actually, Walter killed them. I've got the pictures right here - damn! I must have left them at the apartment. But you've got to trust me, Scully. Skinner is working for the Consortium."

Scully stared at her partner and at Krycek. Skinner? With the Consortium? She remembered her suspicions about him, how conveniently the blame had been shifted to Blevins, forgetting that Skinner had been with her when Melissa was shot. Besides, their boss was always blaming her when Mulder got in trouble and criticizing her reports.

"All right, but I'm coming with you."

Krycek rolled his eyes. "Oh, man, not her!"

"She's my partner," Mulder insisted and Krycek gave in. Maybe he could push her out when they were in the air and Mulder wasn't looking.

Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Skinner had arrived back home and found that Mulder was gone with a note: "Walter, I've learned the Truth about you and the Consortium, and I'm going with Alex. Please don't try to find me. Love always, Your Fox."

He stared at the note, stunned, then picked up the packet of photos Mulder had forgotten and looked through them. Well, at least the mystery of what had happened to the life-sized cutout of himself was solved. But he refused to lose Mulder, the only man he had truly loved. He knew who he had to contact to find Mulder.

Finding the Lone Gunmen had been easier than he thought. Find-it 511 had two listings for Paranoid Government Conspiracy Watchdog Groups -the Lone Gunmen and some cab driver in New York. In a short period of time, he had convinced them to trust him (or he'd have their tax-exempt status investigated by the IRS) and they had found a flight plan filed by Krycek to an obscure third world country. Shortly afterward, the four of them were on a plane heading after Mulder.

In Krycek's plane, Mulder was having second thoughts. He missed Walter. He was sure that it had all been a mistake, that Walter could explain everything. If only he had waited and listened to Walter's side. He confided all this to Scully, who was less sympathetic than he had thought she would be, though why that should surprise him given their problems over the past year was a mystery.

Scully hesitated, then decided that she had to lie to Mulder to save him from that monster Skinner. Eyes lowered, hesitantly, she said, "Mulder, I didn't want to tell you this before, but - well - Skinner was crossing the street without paying attention and, well, he was struck and killed. By a steamroller."

"Walter - dead?" Mulder's eyes filled and his lower lip trembled. Scully crossed her fingers and nodded, knowing that she was going to be saying a lot of Hail Marys for this one, but her partner's safety was more important than the truth.

Krycek had heard Scully and rolled his eyes. How gullible did she think Mulder was? Not only was she a pathetic liar, but who would believe that cautious Skinner would cross a street without looking both ways? And a steamroller? He had told Mulder much better lies than that and not been believed - how could Mulder believe that pathetic story? But it appeared that he did.

"You owe me, Krycek," Scully murmured to him, her blue eyes fixed on his face in a look that could freeze a lava flow. "You had better be good to him or else I'll kick your ass."

Krycek's plane landed in the obscure third world country where a car was waiting for them. Mulder was impressed: being a triple agent obviously paid better than the FBI. What none of them noticed was that the local head of the military police had seen Mulder and taken a fancy to him.

Pendrell was waiting for them when the car pulled up and ran to throw his arms around Krycek; he had missed the sexy triple agent while he was gone. Mulder pouted, not liking to share Alex with anyone, but Krycek reassured his lovers that he was able to satisfy both of them - after all, he was the only one on the show with a sex life.

Scully got out of the car and gasped when she saw Pendrell. The lab-coated guy turned white and shot Krycek a murderous look, but Krycek shrugged. "Mulder insisted that she come."

Scully threw her arms around Pendrell, hugging him. "Danny! Or is it Brian? Whatever your name is, you're alive!"

Pendrell became alarmed when it looked like she might kiss him, and said quickly, "Agent Scully, there's something you should know. I'm gay."

Scully pulled back, looking exasperated. "Why does this always happen? Here I am with three gorgeous men and they're all gay! Is this an X-file?"

"Um- actually, Scully, I'm bi," said Mulder.

Scully shot him the Look. "Mulder, even *I* don't believe that one. Why is everyone in this story getting laid but me?"

Mulder shrugged. "Sorry, Scully, but this is a M/M slash story and you're only here to screw up everyone else's relationships. And have unreasonable temper outbursts. And patch me up when I get hurt. If you want to get laid, you have to talk to the Scully/other writers. Or those MSR people." He shuddered.

Meanwhile, Skinner and the Lone Gunmen had landed at the airport and had made contact with one of their informants. He slipped them a piece of paper with an address on it.

"Thanks!" said Frohike. "How'd you locate him?"

The informant shrugged. "He's in the phone book." Then he slipped back into the shadows.

They jumped in the rental car and raced to the address on the paper, which turned out to be a palatial estate that Krycek had gotten from a local drug lord. Unfortunately, the drug lord's rival hadn't heard about the change of ownership and had stormed the estate. They found Krycek and Pendrell being patched up by an immaculate Scully - even the drug lord hadn't been interested in her - and learned that Mulder had been taken.

"It's all your fault," Skinner roared at Krycek. "If you had left him with me, this never would have happened." Skinner advanced on Krycek, determined to tear off that new arm of his and beat him to death with it, but Pendrell thrust himself between the two men.

"Wait! There's something you should know! When I was doing the DNA work for Alex's new arm, I compared his DNA with yours as part of my doctoral work, and I found out that you are related. Krycek is the son of your long-lost older sister, Alexandria."

Skinner stared at Krycek, disbelieving, but there *was* something familiar about the younger man. "Well, if you're Lexie's son, then I guess I'll have to let you live, but when we find Mulder I want you to stay away from him."

Krycek agreed, reluctantly, but there was something weird about screwing his uncle's main squeeze that made even him shudder. And at least he still had Pendrell.

Meanwhile, the Gunmen had adapted Krycek's sophisticated computer equipment, thankful that he was one of few people with a Mac, and had been able to locate the drug lord's estate. They armed themselves with the high-tech weaponry Krycek had stockpiled and were about to leave when they heard something over the police band scanner - the local military police had attacked and destroyed the drug lord's estate.

Skinner and Krycek exchanged a look. "Want to bet that the head of the military police took Mulder with him?" Skinner asked with a sigh.

"I don't take sucker bets, Uncle Walt. All right, how are we going to go about breaking Mulder out of the local military compound?"

"Leave it to me," Skinner said. "I have a few friends."

A short time later, dressed in fatigues with the full support of the United States Marine Corp behind them, Skinner, Krycek and Scully burst into the compound, mowing down everyone in their way. Scully found Mulder inside, handcuffed to a wall, stark naked. He smiled tiredly when he saw his best friend, relishing the way she fussed over him although she crossly chewed him out while she bandaged his chafed wrists and put a soothing cream on the whip marks. She found his clothes and helped him limp out into the courtyard where evidence was being planted to make this look like a counter-attack by the drug lord's people.

Skinner saw him across the courtyard and crossed to pull his lover into a rough embrace. "Fox! You're okay!"

"Easy, Walter," Mulder said wincing. "Some parts of me are less okay than others. And you're looking pretty good for a man who was run over by a steamroller."

"A steamroller?"

Scully flushed and cleared her throat. "Mulder, I lied about that. I had to, to protect you."

"And I lied to you, too," Krycek admitted. "Uncle Walt's not with the Consortium. I faked those photos."

Mulder looked at Skinner with his pouty lower lip trembling, tears running down his face. "Walter, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I love you. Please forgive me."

"Oh, Fox, I love you, too. Promise me you'll never leave me again." 

"I promise."

They kissed passionately, and Skinner privately resolved to get them switched from the Torture writer's group to that other set of Slash writers. Right about now, a house in the suburbs with Mulder sounded pretty good. He was getting a little old for this rescue stuff and this was the second time this year - or was it the third?

"Come on, Fox. Let's go home."

The End

 

* * *

 

30 Nov 98  
Title: Life from the Slashers II: Domestic Bliss  
Author: Diana Williams  
Email Address:   
Rating: R for language and discussion of M/M sex  
Category: Humor  
Keywords: Slash Parody  
Spoilers: Slight for "Avatar"  
Archive: Yes, anywhere.  
Distribution: Fine, just keep my name attached.  
Feedback: Always welcome.  
Summary: Following their transfer to the "Domestic Bliss" department,"Walter" and "Fox" find that domesticity is not all it's cracked up to be.  
Author's Note: This is a continuation of Life From the Slashers, and is dedicated to the wonderful slash writers, in particular Kassandra, AnneZo, Xanthe, Cadillac Red, MJ, Jo B. and Sean Spencer. Thanks for all the inspiration, and keep writing! (Oh, in case you don't know, PWP stands for Plot-What-Plot). The quote at the beginning is from "Pleasure or Pain" by Michael Bolton.  
Disclaimer: The X-Files and its characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions.

* * *

Life From the Slashers II: Domestic Bliss

"You pull me in, then you push me away  
Ask me to leave, then you beg me to stay  
Bend me, baby, bend me till I break  
Do you really wanna know how much  
This heart of mine can take?  
When I find myself in a daze sometimes  
Lovin' you has got me losin' my mind"

Walter sat at his desk at FBI Headquarters and moodily thought that his life sucked.

It had been a year since the transfer from the Torture-Slash department to the Domestic-Bliss-Slash department, a year of adjustment. At first it had been fun. He and Mulder had gotten married, bought a house in the suburbs, enjoying bubble baths and twice-daily sex, something not possible before when Mulder was constantly in the clutches of some perverted sex-fiend. Since Mulder had so much free time, he had taken cooking lessons and had turned out to be a surprisingly good cook.

Of course, there were the Changes that they had been warned about, necessary to their transition to the Domestic-Bliss department. First of all was the name change - he had become "Walter" instead of "Skinner" (official name "Domestic!Walter), something he was still adjusting to, although "Mulder" remained "Mulder". And Mulder's personality had changed, becoming more submissive which had been nice at first but now the clinginess was setting Walter's teeth on edge. He couldn't even work out in the gym in the evening without Mulder becoming upset because he was late. Consequently, he was gaining weight and developing love handles.

Walter sighed and picked up the phone, dialing a number from memory.

"Krycek."

"Alex, it's Walter."

"Hey, Uncle Walt. God, it's been ages! Last time I saw you was at the FBI Charity Ball. How are you doing?"

Walter sighed. "Not good. Fox is driving me up the wall. You know he actually suggested that we go to couples' counseling to resolve our communications problems."

"Been there, done that, got the bruises to prove it."

"Speaking of bruises, do you think that you could possibly find the time to, you know, drop by the house and give Fox something new to think about?"

"Uh-uh, Uncle Walt. You know how moody Pendrell's been since we're expecting. And *jealous*. He won't even let me wear my leather jacket, except when we're playing BadSpy-GoodScientist."

Walter sighed again. "Well, it was worth a shot. How's the baby, by the way?"

"Doing just fine - Charity is due to come out of the incubator in two weeks." There was a pause on the other end. "Uncle Walt, did you ever think it would be this - I don't know -"

"Boring?"

"The word I was going for was a little stronger." Krycek sighed. "Makes you miss the old days, doesn't it? Well, gotta go, Unk. Give my love to Mulder."

Walter hung up and stared into space for a long moment. Then he looked up a number in his rolodex and dialed.

"Slash Central, may I help you?"

"Yes, give me the Plot department, please."

"One moment."

"Plot Department. May I help you?"

"This is Walter Skinner - er, Domestic!Walter. I would like to discuss some changes to the plot line in my stories."

"I'm sorry, Walter," the voice said regretfully. "When you switched from the Torture department to the Domestic department, you gave up all rights to plots involving abduction, torture, angst, rape, BD, SM - just about everything."

"What about an X-File? Couldn't you at least give Mulder an X-File to investigate? He's driving me up the wall - he's been home for six straight months!"

"Sorry, Walter, but there are so few X-file plots that they are reserved for the exclusive use of 1013 and the CCFCSE."

"The what?"

"Chris Carter Fan Club of Spiritual Enlightenment. You know, those Canon people."

"Oh. Isn't there anything you can do?"

"I'm afraid not. All your story lines are handled by the PWP department. I can transfer your call if you'd like."

"PWP department, may I help you?"

Walter winced at the perkiness of the voice on the other end of the phone. "Yes, this is - er - Domestic!Walter, and I needed to discuss some new plots for my stories."

"Oh, of course, sugar. We've got a LOT of great plots and I'm just SURE we can find something you'll like. Let me see. Well, we've got 'Honeymoon' and 'Vacation' - very nice stories, lots of sex."

Walter winced. "How about something with less sex?"

"O-kay. A little sore there, are we? Well, we've got a couple good ones that involve Mulder-crying and Walter-soothing. Let's see, there's the 'Other Man', 'In-Law Trouble' - say, here's a really good one where one of you gets a Serious-But-Not-Fatal-Illness-Or-Injury. What do you think about that one?"

"No, thanks."

"Well, what about a background story? Like Christmas where Mulder gets to cry about his pathetic childhood and you get to try to make it up to him."

"Does it involve sex?"

"Frankly, most of the stories in your department involve sex."

"Haven't you got anything else?"

"Weeelll, here's one from another series that hasn't been used in a long time, lots of humor potential. See, Mulder gets a second job in a candy factory on the assembly line and the line speeds up and he starts eating the candy..."

Walter sighed. "Mulder has a doctorate in psychology. What would he be doing on an ASSEMBLY LINE!"

"Sorry, that's the Character Department. I'll transfer you."

Walter held his temper and counted to ten.

"Character Department. Hi, Walter, how are you feeling today?"

Walter felt himself relax at the soothing voice and tones. He liked talking to the people in the Character department - they always knew WHO was the most important part of a story, and they were caring, nurturing people.

"Frankly, I'm very unhappy with the way my story lines have been going."

"Yes, I know," she said soothingly. "We're all so sorry about the cat story. We had no idea that the cat would tear up all the furniture and leave - presents on the bed. Are you recovering okay on that? How's Mulder - he seemed pretty upset when we had to let the cat go."

"Mulder gets pretty upset when he gets a hangnail. Can't you *do* something about that? Frankly, this isn't the man I fell in love with."

She sighed softly. "Well, Walter, you knew that there would be some change involved when you switched departments. A Mulder who is always running off with Krycek and being abducted by sex-fiends just wouldn't work in a domestic scenario, now would it?"

"Don't you have another opening we could move into, something with a little more action, less sex, more Mulder-spine? I'd even be willing to put up with Mulder-angst, as long as it wasn't about his souffle falling."

"Well, yes, we do have two openings. The Mulder in our Married-with-children department just took out Scully and their six children before offing himself, so we have to rebuild from scratch. And they need a Skinner in the Skinner/Mrs. Scully department although, frankly, there aren't many stories in that area at present. However, we'd have to split the two of you up and your characters are really not qualified as neither are written to have sex with women."

"Wait a minute! I was married for seventeen years."

"Seventeen years with no children? Frankly, our writers believe that the marriage was a sham from the start, a cover-up for your homosexual tendencies. The only other excuse would be impotency - hey! What a great idea for a new department! Let's see," and Walter could hear her scribbling madly, "Impotent!Skinner who can only be fulfilled by Mulder's loving touch - "

"What about the hooker?" Walter said, desperate to prove his manhood.

"Inconclusive. Plus that little incident has scared off most of the potential females. Although that UN chick and Inspector Green did express an interest, but only if you agreed to dress in leather - "

Walter hung up and began banging his head on his desk. In the outer office, Kim got out the extra-strength aspirin.

  
Meanwhile, in suburbia, Mulder was bored, bored, bored. He was taking some vacation time while Scully was out of the office, lying on the couch and flicking through the vast wasteland of daytime TV. He toyed with the idea of calling Walter at the office to entice him into a round of phone sex but decided against it - lately everything below the waist was sore.

Suddenly the door burst open and he looked up in surprise to see Walter standing in the doorway, glaring at him.

"Walter? Something wrong?"

"What did you just call me, Mulder?" The voice was ominous and threatening. "You stand up and call me 'sir' when you're talking to me, boy!"

"Are you feeling all right, Walter?" Mulder sat up, wincing a little.

"On your feet, Mulder!"

Mulder stood up, looking at Walter nervously. "Wal - I mean, sir? Is something wrong?"

"You bet there's something wrong! Your last report - it was single spaced instead of double spaced! You know how I hate sloppy work. And you ditched Scully last week - "

"I was going to my high school reunion, Wal - sir."

"That's another ten licks for talking back to me, boy!" He grabbed Mulder by the shoulder and pushed him toward the armchair. "Now drop those jeans and shorts."

Suddenly Mulder realized that this wasn't his Walter - this was Discipline!Skinner, who had somehow escaped from his own Alternate Universe and invaded this one. He really, really didn't want a spanking, and hoped that Scully would come to save him. Then he remembered that Scully was on maternity leave. After their switch to the Domestic department, Scully had fallen in love with her kick-boxing coach, Claude-Jean van Dumb, and had married him in a big ceremony with the Pope officiating. Then van Dumb had kicked in the door of the Fertility Clinic where they were holding Scully's ova hostage and rescued them, and Scully had just given birth to twin girls, Margaret and Melissa.

He was on his own.

Just as it looked like he was doomed, the door burst open again and another Walter Skinner came in, his torn shirt revealing sculpted muscles and flat abs so he knew it wasn't his Walter.

"Take your hands off him! He's *mine*, and I'll fight anyone who lays a hand on him!"

Ah - BDSM!Skinner, his lightning-fast super-intellect told him. This should be good. He stepped back to watch the two Skinners face off.

"He's *my* agent!" Discipline!Skinner snarled. "He's been a bad boy and he needs to be punished!"

"*I'll* punish him!" BDSM!Skinner growled back, "and then I'll make love to him because he's *mine*!"

A disgusted look crossed Discipline!Skinner's face. "Sex after punishment - that's sick! You two are really perverted! I'm leaving." The door slammed shut behind him.

BDSM!Skinner reached out and crushed Mulder against his muscled chest.

"*Mine!*" he said possessively, kissing Mulder brutally. "You belong to me, and I'll whip you if I want and you'll let me because you belong to me."

Tears came to Mulder's eyes; *his* Walter would never hurt him. His Walter was always so careful and considerate and loving - which reminded him that it was time for his next insulin shot.

The door burst open again, and Mulder looked over at it, irritated. Why couldn't these people just turn the knob and open the door like normal people? There in the doorway stood another Mulder, bare-chested, bare-footed, tight jeans hugging his tight ass.

"And what do you think you are doing?"

BDSM!Skinner looked at the new Mulder in surprise, then down at Mulder, still clutched in his arms, and let him go. SlaveBoy!Mulder stalked over and pushed Mulder away.

"He doesn't need you; he's got me." He began steering BDSM!Skinner toward the door.

"Honestly, Fox, I thought it was you," BDSM!Skinner was protesting.

SlaveBoy!Mulder snorted. "No way, Walter. I am a *lot* cuter and *way* sassier. And I better not catch you playing your top games with any one else again - "

Mulder shut the door behind them, locked it, and collapsed on the couch.

  
A short time later, Skinner came in through the back door and found the kitchen empty. Puzzled, he walked into the living room and saw Mulder stretched out on the couch.

"Honey, you okay?" Walter asked in concern. *Honey?* Where in the hell had *that* come from?

Mulder looked up with a sigh. "Rough day. I had some unexpected visitors." He told Walter about the cast of characters that had strolled through their living room and Walter laughed. "I'm glad I've got *my* Walter," he said affectionately. Walter winced a little, feeling guilty about the bad things he had said to Character Support about Mulder. "Although when that character demanded that I call him 'sir' it made me kinda hot."

Walter sighed. "Fox, just breathing makes you hot."

"Walter," Mulder said coaxingly, "do you think we could try some of that bondage stuff? Nothing heavy, you know, just a little tying up and maybe some toys?"

Walter shrugged. "Why not?" he said, thinking, it couldn't hurt.

The next night at the emergency room with Mulder, he simply glared at the doctor and said, "Don't ask!"

  
It was Friday, the last day of his vacation, and Mulder was lying on the couch again nursing a sprained left wrist. The front door opened and Mulder looked up to see Krycek saunter in. He had that really cute haircut again and was wearing his old leather jacket, and for a moment Mulder thought it was another alternate universe character. But no, this was their Krycek - he had two arms - and he was grinning at Mulder with the same mixture of danger and seductiveness as the old days.

"Alex! What are you doing here?"

He shrugged. "I'm between jobs and I thought I'd just pop in. How's the wrist?"

"Only sprained."

"That's good. I'm bored, and Uncle Walt says you're bored, too, so how about a session for old times sake?"

Mulder looked at him warily. "What are you proposing?"

"No sex - you're my uncle now, for Christ's sake. I thought you could slap me around a little, then I'll drag you out to a remote site promising answers to your questions, and then I'll betray you and Skinner can come rescue you - the usual stuff."

Mulder's eyes lit up. "Sounds like fun."

"Great. We need to get started, then, 'cause I promised Pendrell I'd be home by six. The Lone Gunmen are coming over to paint a mural in the nursery."

"Okay. Let me call Walter first, and let him know where I'm going. You know how he worries." He got the voice mail at the office and left a message.

"Ready, Mulder?"

"Ready."

  
Walter returned to his office after another budget meeting, the only thing he seemed to do lately, and saw that the voice mail light was on. He hit the replay button.

"Walter, it's Fox. Just wanted to let you know that Krycek stopped by and he's going to take me to a secret Consortium site where he promises I'll find all the answers to my questions..."

Walter leaned back in his chair and grinned. Maybe it was time the Characters started taking over the story. He hit the intercom button.

"Kim, get me the Lone Gunmen. Mulder's on the loose again."

The End

 

* * *

 

Title: Life from the Slashers III  
Author: Diana Williams  
Email Address:   
Web site: http://diana.slashcity.com/  
Rating: R for language, NC-17 for gratuitous sex scene.  
Category: Humor  
Keywords: Slash, Parody  
Spoilers: Yep. For everything. Including fanfic.  
Archive: Yes, anywhere.  
Distribution: Fine, just keep my name attached.  
Feedback: Always welcome.  
Summary: The characters take drastic action.  
Disclaimer: The X-Files and its characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions.  
Author's notes:  
1) This is dedicated to all the writers whose characters are depicted here and work so hard to keep us all amused and entertained. The Crossover guys are primarily in the crosshairs this time around, but the Slash, MSR, Married-with-children, BDSM, and ATXC also take a turn in the target area. All in good fun, guys.  
2) Due to Note #1, this will be the last in the series, as I will be entering the Witness Protection Program.  
3) You really, really should read "Life from the Slashers I and II" first (website url above). Not just because it's a shameless plug for my own work, but because some of this may not make sense if you don't. Some of it still may not make sense *after* you read them, but that's another story.  
4) No barnyard animals were harmed in the writing of this story out of respect for the untimely death of a certain writer. However several Beanie Babies (TM) were discovered in a mutilated condition. No one claimed knowledge and/or ownership of said Beanie Babies (TM).  
5) The song quote is from "Pleasure or Pain" by Michael Bolton. That song should be the anthem for BDSM & Discipline writers everywhere.  
6) Don't you just hate these Author's notes which go on and on and don't really tell you anything important and just keep you from getting to the juicy parts of the stor- (Bang!) "Aaaaahhhhhh!" (Writer slumps across computer)

* * *

Domestic!Walter nodded to his nephew, Alex Krycek. "Thanks, Alex."

"No problem, Uncle Walt. She was starting to annoy me."

Walter turned to the room full of characters. "All right, if everyone will just settle down, I'll tell you why I asked you to come here today."

Around the room, the characters began to quiet down, settling down into seats or leaning against the wall. Walter looked around the room, mentally checking off everyone on his list. He didn't see his life partner anywhere.

"Fox?"

"Here, Walter." Mulder came out of the kitchen carrying two plates of brownies. "I thought everyone might be hungry, so I whipped up these. Pass them around - hey!" He glared at one of the characters as he started to reach for a brownie. "What are you doing here? Walter, did you invite Clueless!Spender? You know I can't stand that guy!"

Walter sighed. "Sorry, Fox, but you'll have to restrain your sibling rivalry for a little while. Spender's got every right to be here. He's got character rights, too."

"Yeah," Spender said smugly. "Tough luck, Mulder."

Mulder snorted. "Just march in here and take over, Spender. Can't you do *anything* original?"

Spender stuck out his tongue. "It isn't fair. Nobody likes me but everyone likes you. Even Daddy likes you best - he never plotted *my* breakdown."

Walter interrupted sternly. "Both of you settle down, or do I have to send you into the other room with Discipline!Skinner?"

With a final glare at Spender, Mulder moved to the other side of the room to pass out brownies and Spender sulked in the corner.

Walter finished checking out the assembled characters. "Right. I think that's everyone. Wait - where are the Trio? I know I saw them come in." Krycek jerked his head in the direction of the bedroom and Walter sighed. "Can't those three keep their hands off each other? Well, we can't wait so we'll just get started. The reason I called you here today is to discuss the recent turn of events in our story lines."

Domestic!Scully looked up from where she was sitting and nursing one of the twins. "Frankly, Walter, I don't see what the problem is. I *like* the recent turn of events in our stories. After five years of angst and disease and trauma, I'm finally getting sex on a regular basis. Not to mention the twins, and not an Emily-clone in sight. Mulder even stopped ditching me."

"That's because you hardly ever go on cases anymore," Walter pointed out. "If you do, they're just a few days out of town as an excuse for Fox to call me for phone sex."

Mulder grinned. "Not to mention you tackling me when I come in the front door. You're an animal, Walter."

There were some titters around the room, mostly from the Noromo!group, and Walter glared at them. He could still glare, although daily he felt the power behind that glare growing weaker. If this kept up, he wouldn't even scare Pendrell.

"I have to agree with Domestic!Walter," said a younger version of himself, PreX!Skinner. "These story lines are getting out of line. I mean, they've got me barely even meeting Mulder and we're boffing like bunnies."

"It could be worse, Skinner," said a dark figure from the shadows, and everyone drew back a little in fear from Vampire!Krycek. "Look what they did to me."

"You think that's bad," said WellManicuredandToasted!Man as he futilely beat out the flames that occasionally flared up on various parts of his body, "see what happens when CC gets hold of you."

"Okay," said Krycek, "we all agree with you, Uncle Walt. But what are we going to do?"

Walter smiled. "Anyone see 'West World'? We take over Slash Central."

From the shadows, Mr. X said, with a growl, "Skinner, I'm not going to risk *my* life on this crazy mission - "

Several characters pulled their weapons and emptied their clips into X.

"Okay," BDSM!Skinner said, "we're with you on this, Walter. But how are we going to find their top-secret location? And don't," he ad ded, glaring at his partner, SlaveBoy!Mulder, "even *suggest* setting yourself up as bait. That *never* works."

Walter smiled. "We have a secret weapon. Everyone, I'd like you to meet some very special Crossover friends of ours."

****************

Meanwhile, in the bedroom, the three characters writhing on the bed were unaware of a sudden glow that surrounded the center figure. And, in the midst of groans and pants and cries came two words, muffled but still distinct:

"Oh boy."

***WARNING!!WARNING!!WARNING!!GRATUITOUS SEX SCENE!!!***

As the glow from the bed faded, a doorway opened in the space beside the bed and a figure that only one of the characters could see walked through. Perhaps it was fortunate that only one of them could see the new arrival for he looked like an extra from "Pirates of Penzance".

"Hi, Sam. Don't bother trying to talk - I can see that your mouth is full right now. I'll just fill you in on what's going on.

"You've leaped into one Fox Mulder, an FBI agent and part of this romantic trio. The hunk behind you is your boss, Walter Skinner, an Assistant Director for the FBI. The delectable dish under you is your partner, Dana Scully. The year doesn't matter because this is *never* going to be Canon. The story behind this isn't really important because you're not going to be here that long. You're here to get fu-"

He hit the side of the handheld device and looked around him. "Ziggy! I can't say that word! This is a family show!" Then he looked at the three on the bed and said, "And then again - "

Crossover!Beckett glared at Al while trying to maintain his concentration so the two in bed with him wouldn't suspect that he wasn't really Mulder.

"Okay, okay. The reason you're here is because, first of all, there are those writers who want Scully and Mulder to get it on but feel guilty because it's against CC's policy, so they make you leap in so that it's Mulder but not really Mulder. And second because Whoever is making you leap around feels sorry for you because your show's been cancelled and you're getting even less action than this Mulder character. Oh, sorry, you don't remember that - Swiss cheese brain."

Sam glared at his friend. Surely he remembered getting laid in at least one show, that three-parter, and wasn't there that time -

"Anyway, once you've been screwed into unconsciousness you'll leap out. If I were you, I wouldn't rush it." With a last lascivious look at the trio, Al opened the doorway and exited.

Crossover!Beckett thought that the guy in the Waiting room was not going to be happy about this...

**** END GRATUITOUS SEX SCENE. STOP WHINING. NOW. ****

At Slash Central, the President looked around at the assembled department heads.

"People, we've got a real problem on our hands."

"I'll say!" The head of the Character department moaned. "I had to turn down seventeen requests for Characters just this morning - I can't find *any* of them *anywhere*. And the writers are getting desperate."

Her assistant nodded. "Yeah, they've been reduced to flaming each other's snack choices and arguing about some elevator kiss - "

Her boss groaned. "You just *had* to start that up again."

From beside her, the Skinner/Scully department head shouted out, "DID!"

And on the other side of the table, the heads of the MSR, NOROMO, and SLASH departments glared and roared out in unison, "DID NOT!!!"

"Okay, people, let's get serious," the President said, pounding her gavel. "This started long before today. First Torture!Skinner insisted on moving his *entire* group to the Domestic department. Then Married!Mulder went postal and took out the family. Now all the Kryceks are bitching because the one Alex got his arm back and they *all* want their arms back. I think there is a deeper problem here, and I want a solution."

"Well," said the head of the Crossover department, "maybe they just need someone to talk over their problems with. Deanna Troy isn't doing too much right now - I could have her come over a couple afternoons to counsel the characters."

"I'm afraid that won't be enough," said a voice from the darkness and a curl of cigarette smoke drifted out into the room. "The date has been set."

The department heads looked at each other uneasily. "What does that mean?" the PWP head asked.

The President shrugged. "Hell if I know. I can't understand it when CC says it, either."

Suddenly, there was a glow of light and the room was filled with characters, all armed to the teeth. In short order, the department heads were captured and subdued.

The President, held in the strong grip of BDSM!Skinner (and she didn't look like she was fighting much), was bewildered. "How did you get in here?" she asked Walter.

Walter pointed in the direction of a uniformed figure. "We had help. I think he called it a 'transporter'."

The President glared at the Crossover head. "You and your damned Trek crossovers!" She pulled herself to her full height and glared at Walter. "What is the meaning of this?"

Walter paced in front of the line of department heads. "Frankly, we don't like what's been happening with our plot lines. So we're taking over. And there's going to be a *lot* of changes around here."

***********

Walter sat in the president's chair and looked around at his department heads in satisfaction. "All right, ladies and gentlemen, what have you got lined up?"

Alex Krycek, new head of the Slash department, grinned wolfishly. "I think you're going to like this, Uncle Walt." He turned to Mulder.

And Mulder, new head of the Torture department, looked positively wicked. "It's payback time."

************

The former President of Slash Central woke from a bad dream - and found that she couldn't move. She was restrained by her wrists and her ankles, and silenced by a ball gag.

"Well, you *are* awake!" a soft voice said and she turned her head, then her eyes widened in terror. "Welcome to our island, love." Hoffman smiled at her. "We're going to have *such* a good time together - aren't we, Max?"

And she began to scream.

*************

Ha! Didn't think I was going to let you get away without the song quote, did you?

"You make me smile,  
Make me thankful that I breathe  
Let me taste some heaven  
Before you drop me to my knees  
You chain me, baby, till it's time to set me free  
Give me everything I want  
Give me nothing I need.  
I still don't understand why I can't resist  
What keeps me coming back,  
Coming back for more of this  
Pleasure or pain."

From "Pleasure or Pain" by Michael Bolton.

The End

Really

I Mean It


End file.
